the vagaries of life (alt. title: heart sore)

My heart is sore today from the vagaries of life. In the space of the same half hour, I checked a website I hadn't read for a while and found out that the writer is getting remarried, having lost his wife to cancer last year and I heard a friend's heart cry about the loss of an important relationship. I am confused. Why does it seem that God doles out heart relationships to some, but seems to either not given them in the first place or yank them out of the hands of others? I think the reason this pinches my heart is that I feel like someone in the second camp; someone who, for some reason, doesn't have a heart relationship. Am I doing something wrong? Am I ugly? What purposes are being accomplished by being on my own? I know with my head that those are pointless questions, ill framed, but my heart betrays me. My heart will unceasingly beat me up, if I let it. And I have let it have free reign in it's pummelling route far too often in the past while.

I am tired and feeling ill these days. And a couple of weeks back, I felt so full of joy that I could have probably lit the power supply of a small country. I will bear the deep sorrows, for I am one of those that is also privy to the great joys. Somedays, however, the pain is very acute. These days are painful. I fear that my body does indeed betray me. I have come off my antidepressants, making it down to zero on Monday, but have made the decision to go back on a very low dose. I can't find any firm ground when it is only my body in charge of the chemicals. I need just a little bit of help. I am unhappy about this, but I can tell you, I really don't want to feel this way. It's like being constantly wobbly, never having a firm grip on the slippery bars. It just doesn't seem fair.