no place for abuse
Eight o'clock each morning this week and next finds me up at Regent College auditing the course "Family Violence and Contemporary Christianity" taught by Nancy Nason- Clark.
Working in family law, I deal with abuse disclosures perhaps more than most. Due to the nature of my practice, my clients are quite self selecting, so I don't encounter extreme cases of abuse. And quite frankly, I don't feel I have the skills at present to handle complex, systemic abuse cases. And even more frankly, the whole thing scares me. I've never been married and have had the good fortune (and that's likely all it is, luck) to not have encountered [much] abuse in the course of my life.
I bracket the much because I have not escaped unscathed. One of my early dating relationships was with an emotional abuser. I didn't figure out 'til much later and a Cosmo quiz, as stupid as that sounds, that I was on the receiving end of emotional abuse. That abuse has definitely left it's mark on me; I have trouble trusting and receiving emotion in romantic relationships, I have difficulty believing that I am attractive and desirable, and, for lack of a better description, I feel like I am too 'needy' in relationship - that's just another way to say that I have normal emotional needs but don't trust my partner to meet them (the corollary, in my mind, would be to ask for and expect, in a healthy way, for my emotional needs to be met). I have not, however, ever experienced physical or sexual violence from any of the men (or women) in my life. For that, I am enormously grateful.
Woman abuse statistics are staggering. If you're interested, have a look at Nancy's book the Battered Wife - How Christians Confront Family Violence [if you email me, I can send you further resources]. Woman abuse cuts across all gender, socio-economic, ethnic and geographical lines. It also cuts across all faith groups - with a WIDE swath. And while society is much better equipped to support abuse disclosure, it seems that some parts of the church are lagging woefully behind.
Out of interest, if relationship violence (emotional, financial, sexual or physical) is or has been addressed in your worship community, can you please leave a comment saying so? I think, and the evidence - both anecdotal and empirical - seems to show that churches do not talk about and unequivocally condemn violence against women. How many of you youth-group attendees have discussed (ad nauseum) sexual issues - when not to, where not to, how far to go and not to go, who not to with, where the line is drawn in this instance, that instance and the other instance and if you didn't "inhale", does it really count? As Nancy laughingly said, her daughter's youth group is ALWAYS talking about sex. But when she asked her daughter if the group talked about dating violence, it had never come up. Speaking from my own extensive youth group experience, we never discussed the issue either.
There is no shortage of discussion about sexual issues, but where are the discussions about sexual violence, date rape, physical violence? What about spiritual abuse? Verbal abuse? Emotional abuse? Secular culture talks about these topics (how else would I have found the Cosmo quiz?), but the Church is strangely silence. We must plant the seeds of awareness early. This must not be a taboo topic. In our silence, what message are we sending the young women of our churches? That it is not acceptable to talk about domestic violence. That it is a taboo issue. That there is something wrong with them if it's happening. Because if there was something wrong with the violence, rather than the person, people would be talking about it. And when they are older? When they are older, they wonder who will listen to them when they talk about violence in their marriage. In our silence, we are sowing the wrong seeds.
Working in family law, I deal with abuse disclosures perhaps more than most. Due to the nature of my practice, my clients are quite self selecting, so I don't encounter extreme cases of abuse. And quite frankly, I don't feel I have the skills at present to handle complex, systemic abuse cases. And even more frankly, the whole thing scares me. I've never been married and have had the good fortune (and that's likely all it is, luck) to not have encountered [much] abuse in the course of my life.
I bracket the much because I have not escaped unscathed. One of my early dating relationships was with an emotional abuser. I didn't figure out 'til much later and a Cosmo quiz, as stupid as that sounds, that I was on the receiving end of emotional abuse. That abuse has definitely left it's mark on me; I have trouble trusting and receiving emotion in romantic relationships, I have difficulty believing that I am attractive and desirable, and, for lack of a better description, I feel like I am too 'needy' in relationship - that's just another way to say that I have normal emotional needs but don't trust my partner to meet them (the corollary, in my mind, would be to ask for and expect, in a healthy way, for my emotional needs to be met). I have not, however, ever experienced physical or sexual violence from any of the men (or women) in my life. For that, I am enormously grateful.
Woman abuse statistics are staggering. If you're interested, have a look at Nancy's book the Battered Wife - How Christians Confront Family Violence [if you email me, I can send you further resources]. Woman abuse cuts across all gender, socio-economic, ethnic and geographical lines. It also cuts across all faith groups - with a WIDE swath. And while society is much better equipped to support abuse disclosure, it seems that some parts of the church are lagging woefully behind.
Out of interest, if relationship violence (emotional, financial, sexual or physical) is or has been addressed in your worship community, can you please leave a comment saying so? I think, and the evidence - both anecdotal and empirical - seems to show that churches do not talk about and unequivocally condemn violence against women. How many of you youth-group attendees have discussed (ad nauseum) sexual issues - when not to, where not to, how far to go and not to go, who not to with, where the line is drawn in this instance, that instance and the other instance and if you didn't "inhale", does it really count? As Nancy laughingly said, her daughter's youth group is ALWAYS talking about sex. But when she asked her daughter if the group talked about dating violence, it had never come up. Speaking from my own extensive youth group experience, we never discussed the issue either.
There is no shortage of discussion about sexual issues, but where are the discussions about sexual violence, date rape, physical violence? What about spiritual abuse? Verbal abuse? Emotional abuse? Secular culture talks about these topics (how else would I have found the Cosmo quiz?), but the Church is strangely silence. We must plant the seeds of awareness early. This must not be a taboo topic. In our silence, what message are we sending the young women of our churches? That it is not acceptable to talk about domestic violence. That it is a taboo issue. That there is something wrong with them if it's happening. Because if there was something wrong with the violence, rather than the person, people would be talking about it. And when they are older? When they are older, they wonder who will listen to them when they talk about violence in their marriage. In our silence, we are sowing the wrong seeds.
posted by Lisa at 8:49 p.m.
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