believing in Jesus when you're not even sure he exists
Two phrases have been regularly popping into my head these days: "Doing the work of peace daily in your life" and "situating your story in the larger story". This post is about neither of those phrases. Stay tuned for something on those soon.
Kind of just kidding. One thing I do know for sure about myself is that I am spiritual. I take a meta view of life. I believe that we are more than just mind and body. I believe that there are value systems at play all over the place and that the actions we take and undertake reflect our choices and belief systems. I believe that I have both free will and someone looking out for me. I believe a lot of things that are overtly Christian and many things that may be on the fringes of (evangelical) Christianity.
I have found beautiful freedom in the last couple of years moving away from traditional evangelical (fundamentalist) Christianity. In that moving away, I have wanted to reject Jesus. I can't read his words without hearing judgment in them. It is taking a long time and a deep healing to see in Jesus the acceptance and love that others so easily idenitfy with. I jealously read about people following Jesus and seeing freedom in that pathway. I have no trouble with God; in fact, I easily relate, reveal and renew in my relationship with God. It's just Jesus that is the problem.
I heard again this morning a thought that I encountered awhile ago. In essence, it is about embracing and accepting your spiritual background. Like it or not, my spiritual foundation is as a Christian. I came to a deep knowledge of God through my dealings with Christianity. Perhaps on the way through, I picked up a plethora of wrong ideas about the founder of Christianity, but the fact is, my deepest spiritual experience has been in the Christianity camp. I can't reject that. When I say that, I don't mean that I'm not allowed to reject Jesus (I can do that, if I actually could do that), or that there is something wrong with rejecting Jesus (ouch, that pinges my fundamentalist background. I need to repent! JOKE). What I mean is that I can't change my story. My story is that I came into the faith family through the Christian door. To pretend otherwise is to wipe out 15+ years of history.
So what then does it mean to live true to your story? I can like or not like my story. That doesn't change the fact that my story IS. It just plain IS.
So what then does it mean to believe in Jesus when you're not sure he exists? Yes, I believe Jesus was a historical figure. Yes, I resonate with the way he treated people. But who am I in this particular story? Does my wisdom, love and experience exist outside of this story? I'm not sure. I mean, yes, of course it does. But my wisdom, love and experience is informed by the story of Jesus.
Thoughts, just thoughts. As much as I might like them, I don't need answers. I want to know how to live fully, holistically and with holiness in who I am. And who I am includes my story, Jesus and all.
Kind of just kidding. One thing I do know for sure about myself is that I am spiritual. I take a meta view of life. I believe that we are more than just mind and body. I believe that there are value systems at play all over the place and that the actions we take and undertake reflect our choices and belief systems. I believe that I have both free will and someone looking out for me. I believe a lot of things that are overtly Christian and many things that may be on the fringes of (evangelical) Christianity.
I have found beautiful freedom in the last couple of years moving away from traditional evangelical (fundamentalist) Christianity. In that moving away, I have wanted to reject Jesus. I can't read his words without hearing judgment in them. It is taking a long time and a deep healing to see in Jesus the acceptance and love that others so easily idenitfy with. I jealously read about people following Jesus and seeing freedom in that pathway. I have no trouble with God; in fact, I easily relate, reveal and renew in my relationship with God. It's just Jesus that is the problem.
I heard again this morning a thought that I encountered awhile ago. In essence, it is about embracing and accepting your spiritual background. Like it or not, my spiritual foundation is as a Christian. I came to a deep knowledge of God through my dealings with Christianity. Perhaps on the way through, I picked up a plethora of wrong ideas about the founder of Christianity, but the fact is, my deepest spiritual experience has been in the Christianity camp. I can't reject that. When I say that, I don't mean that I'm not allowed to reject Jesus (I can do that, if I actually could do that), or that there is something wrong with rejecting Jesus (ouch, that pinges my fundamentalist background. I need to repent! JOKE). What I mean is that I can't change my story. My story is that I came into the faith family through the Christian door. To pretend otherwise is to wipe out 15+ years of history.
So what then does it mean to live true to your story? I can like or not like my story. That doesn't change the fact that my story IS. It just plain IS.
So what then does it mean to believe in Jesus when you're not sure he exists? Yes, I believe Jesus was a historical figure. Yes, I resonate with the way he treated people. But who am I in this particular story? Does my wisdom, love and experience exist outside of this story? I'm not sure. I mean, yes, of course it does. But my wisdom, love and experience is informed by the story of Jesus.
Thoughts, just thoughts. As much as I might like them, I don't need answers. I want to know how to live fully, holistically and with holiness in who I am. And who I am includes my story, Jesus and all.
posted by Lisa at 6:34 p.m.
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