believing in Jesus when you're not even sure he exists

Two phrases have been regularly popping into my head these days: "Doing the work of peace daily in your life" and "situating your story in the larger story". This post is about neither of those phrases. Stay tuned for something on those soon.

Kind of just kidding. One thing I do know for sure about myself is that I am spiritual. I take a meta view of life. I believe that we are more than just mind and body. I believe that there are value systems at play all over the place and that the actions we take and undertake reflect our choices and belief systems. I believe that I have both free will and someone looking out for me. I believe a lot of things that are overtly Christian and many things that may be on the fringes of (evangelical) Christianity.

I have found beautiful freedom in the last couple of years moving away from traditional evangelical (fundamentalist) Christianity. In that moving away, I have wanted to reject Jesus. I can't read his words without hearing judgment in them. It is taking a long time and a deep healing to see in Jesus the acceptance and love that others so easily idenitfy with. I jealously read about people following Jesus and seeing freedom in that pathway. I have no trouble with God; in fact, I easily relate, reveal and renew in my relationship with God. It's just Jesus that is the problem.

I heard again this morning a thought that I encountered awhile ago. In essence, it is about embracing and accepting your spiritual background. Like it or not, my spiritual foundation is as a Christian. I came to a deep knowledge of God through my dealings with Christianity. Perhaps on the way through, I picked up a plethora of wrong ideas about the founder of Christianity, but the fact is, my deepest spiritual experience has been in the Christianity camp. I can't reject that. When I say that, I don't mean that I'm not allowed to reject Jesus (I can do that, if I actually could do that), or that there is something wrong with rejecting Jesus (ouch, that pinges my fundamentalist background. I need to repent! JOKE). What I mean is that I can't change my story. My story is that I came into the faith family through the Christian door. To pretend otherwise is to wipe out 15+ years of history.

So what then does it mean to live true to your story? I can like or not like my story. That doesn't change the fact that my story IS. It just plain IS.

So what then does it mean to believe in Jesus when you're not sure he exists? Yes, I believe Jesus was a historical figure. Yes, I resonate with the way he treated people. But who am I in this particular story? Does my wisdom, love and experience exist outside of this story? I'm not sure. I mean, yes, of course it does. But my wisdom, love and experience is informed by the story of Jesus.

Thoughts, just thoughts. As much as I might like them, I don't need answers. I want to know how to live fully, holistically and with holiness in who I am. And who I am includes my story, Jesus and all.

forced weight loss

Thanks to the food poisoning/flu I had last week, I'm now down 5.6 lbs. Yes, that much. That's a helluva lot of yoghurt and porridge. And little else. It made for a not very fun weekend up at Whistler munching pepto bismal tablets and hoping my stomach would release the 25 lbs of pressure it had decided to take on.

Watch for goats soon. I'll get my lazy ass in gear and put up the proper links. I was looking at the catalogue last night and I'm totally enamoured with buying chickens. Maybe if there is enough interest, we could try and stock a barn together?

expanding your horizons

Looking for some interesting places to surf? Head on over here and expand your horizons.

way open

Pausing over night in Rabanel (or at least, that's where I think I was), I stayed at a refugio staffed by a hospitalera who also spoke English. I wasn't always around English speakers as a I walked the Camino, so it was a welcome respite to sit and speak freely. By this point, my blisters were so numerous that I had long since stopped counting them. Stopping was always such a joy, mixed with a large fear; if I stopped, could I ever get up, let alone keep going?

That night, we were talking about walking the Camino. The hospitalera talked about making the Way. El Camino de Santiago literally translates as The Way of St. James (Santiago was the Spanish name for St. James). Not walking the Way, but making the Way. I make the Way and the Way makes me. Deep, deep truth in those words. I bear the physical marks on my body of having made that particular Way.

So it is with fullness that I have re-encountered the phrase 'Way open'. I first came across that phrasing in Parker Palmer's book "Let Your Life Speak". It is a Quaker phrase to refer to how the Divine works. Way open. Way close. This is not a passive or dismissive waiting. It is an active, alive, believing waiting. I think that it is a convergence of the Divine, of me - my skills, willingness, talents, and of circumstances - shaped by both of us. And it's damn hard.

I've got to say, this new area of my life is confusing. No, the old way of believing and acting wasn't particularly working for me. I get cranky and confined when I use those old ways of compartmentalizing and boxing things up. But this new phase, moving towards active mindfulness, is hard. My old friends don't know this part of me and I'm scared to tell them and let them in. I feel like I need to protect my butterfly wings very carefully. And I'm scared about what I'll lose in these new ways of being and seeing. But I am also like this new Way. I like being made by the Way, as I'm making the way. I am waiting for Way Open - in so many areas of my life.

feeling better

I'm feeling much better today. Don't know whether it was flu or food poisoining, but 15 hours of sleep later, my body is good. I went to the chiro yesterday morning and he made an interesting comment: "our bodies are wise". They know what to do to heal themselves. I'll second that.

Back to work today. How can that become an "oh yeah!" rather than a "sigh"?

flu

I have a touch of the flu that seems to be making its rounds. Today is an at home day. Send the love. Lots of it, please.

transition time

Anj and Bobbie are likely crossing back into the US right about now. They started their journies back home while it was still dark. I'm sitting here looking out across the city, enjoying the aftermath of the sunrise - all soft purples and pale pinks. Despite the forecast, it will be a bit sunny today.

Now is the transition time. I pray it will be graceful and life giving. As an extrovert, I'm jazzed up by being around people. Spiritually, I'm able to fire on all cylinders and move gracefully and naturally into my own. I don't want to lose that naturalness now that I'm back in my ordinary life on my own. For me, one of the great joys about being around other people is the constant encouragement to 'look up'. The past weekend has been a real gem of a 'look up' time. I've cemented friendships this weekend that I will enjoy for a long time to come. I've dropped off a couple of things that were long ago destined for the [s]crap heap, but that I was too scared or lazy to leave by the wayside. Although I was not a Path participant, the Way has been made in me this weekend.

And now my body is tired. My concentration is wobbly. I've got new clients to see today and situations I have to walk confidently back into. Real transition is not going from high to low, or high to high, but from place to place, weaving things together into a balanced pattern.

f sharp

Lest Robert worry that I've gone all soft and jesusy, he should know that I have dropped the f-bomb a couple of times this weekend. How else could I live up the 'get yer goat' moniker?

friendship in pajamas

The group is back in the great room, finishing up their mission statements. Today they will focus on their vision statement. For me, the process of doing my vision statement was like writing out my secret dreams. We were encouraged to do a 'day in the life' type piece, noticing the small details of what was going on in our vision. It's a piece that I still use as a guide to pray with, over and through. On the days when my dreams are too small, I remember the bigness of the statement and expand my horizons.

An interesting problem that many women at this Path have encountered is feeling like they are not deserving of big, bold, glorious missions. They have grappled with a sense of embarrassment at being too grabby, or maybe felt like it would be too selfish or aiming too high to own the mission statement that has come spilling out of their mouth (actually, out of their hearts). Strange. Where does this come from? Is it a church culture thing that says overtly or indirectly 'don't be too big for your britches'? Is it a family thing: "oh, you think you're special, don'tcha?" Or is it slightly different - that if I don't live up to my mission statement, I'll finally find out the truth about myself - that I'm a failure. Whatever it is, it is deeply ingrained in us as women.

Jesus said a lot of things, some of which I don't get, some of which I don't like, some of which passes me by at present. But there is a specific flavour to what he generally said. I think Paul gets to the very heart of it in the first line of Galatians: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free". Hear that deeply, those of you who feel you are too small, insignificant, bossy, or proud for these mission statements that have come from your heart of hearts. These mission statements are one more building block, one more piece of proof that it is for FREEDOM that you've been set free. Receive rather that do your mission statement.

* the title of this post comes from the fact that a lot of our hang out time has been when we're in our pajamas - first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

became flesh and moved among us

Blogging is a funny thing, in that if you'll let it, it will show your truest heart to the world. The women gathered up at the Creek look a bit different than I thought they might; Bobbie's hair is redder than I thought, Neritia is more beautiful that I imagined, Deb's sweetness is like a fragrance, and Anj, well, I was completely wrong about what I thought she might look like. She's wildness and joy in a body.

The women are doing their mission statement in the other room right now. It's amazing to sit at the back, pray, listen and watch as they get in touch with the deep parts of who they are designed to be and what their missions really are. When the statement comes together, it's like someone was finally plugged into the right electricity source - they just glow.

If the power goes out tonight, we'll be just fine. There are 12 individual power sources in the great room.