preventing divorce?

Is it counter intuitive that a divorce lawyer would be handing out info on preventing divorce and increasing conflict resolution skills? Nope. I will always have work plenty enough in today's world. But wouldn't it be great to be learning the skills, both within relationships and without that would grease the conflict wheels? You betcha. Here is some excerpts from a conflict resolution group I'm involved with:

Direct communication is always best. As the old saying goes: Mean what you say, say what you mean. If you want or need something, tell your spouse. If your spouse is doing something that bothers you, tell him or her why it bothers you and what you would like your spouse to do about it. As with all communication, however, the secret is in the delivery. Never be accusatory or disrespectful.

f your spouse reacts badly to something you’ve said, it’s possible that he or she did not understand what you meant. Before you overreact, take time to find out what your spouse thinks you meant, and, if necessary, explain what it is you were trying to say.

Arguments are a legitimate way to communicate, but the arguments must be based on a person’s actions or words, not what one side imagines is motivating the other side. Arguments are also okay when they are fair, honest disputes about family policy or priorities.

Personal attacks against your spouse are disrespectful and they get in the way of real discussion about important matters.

And here are some communication dos and don'ts:

Focus on solving the problem instead of winning the argument; Listen with an open mind to make sure you understand what your spouse means instead of launching into an unnecessary argument;

Explain yourself if you feel you have been misunderstood;

Respect each other’s opinion, even if you can’t find an immediate solution to the problem;

Spend time discussing problems and issues you each think are important;

Be quick to forgive, quick to forget;

Be sincere. Your words may say one thing, but your body language may convey something completely different;

Don’t talk in code. Say what you mean, and say it respectfully;

Don’t go to sleep before resolving a conflict;

Don’t talk to your spouse in a rude, disparaging way;

Don’t criticize your spouse in front of others;

Don’t let anger cloud your judgment about the proper way to speak to and treat your spouse;

Don’t start arguments based on things that happened long ago;

Don’t assume that your spouse is personally attacking you just because he or she disagrees with you.

You can find the whole article here.

born for fullness

The phrase "you must be born again" has become fraught with difficulties because it is so closely associated with that form of Christianity typified by American Fundamentalism. But the desire to distance oneself from one kind of Christianity or another shouldn't keep us from grasping the words of Jesus - we must be born, not only physically, but spiritually as well - we are more than just physical beings, we need to be spiritually alive too. It isn't necessarily the case that being "born from above" refers to a one-time moment in our spiritual journeys. We may need to come often to Christ to seek the spiritual life that he offers.

The life of the Spirit is given to us FROM God, by an infilling of HIS spirit; it is also the case that he brings OUR spirits to life within us. We need to keep coming to Jesus whenever the darkness falls upon our souls - in the dark night of the soul, when the darkness threatens the light - and seek his light and life.

I commend the full post to you. Maggi is a clear and lovely writer and theologian.

non-verbal leakage

What a great phrase! Have some fun with this. You'll find the phrase "non-verbal leakage" about half way into the piece.

Ash Wednesday

The dismissal from tonight's Ash Wednesday service:

Let us go forth into the world, rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit.
Go and join Christ in the world, healing and speaking words of freedom,
revealing the sacred in the very midst of life.
Thanks be to God!

feet on the ground, head in the air

Yesterday found me starting the morning off a thousand feet in the air. Not figuratively, literally. I learned long ago that when an opportunity presents itself while traveling, and that opportunity is a bit expensive but only available at that particular locale, one should jump and grab it with both hands. So I awoke early and travelled out to the little dusty airfield 10 miles outside of Sedona, AZ and went flying in an ultralight with a paracute. Powerchuting is like hurtling oneself down a runway in a rickety dune buggy and then suddenly taking wing under a rectangular parachute. It was a neat experience. Despite the loud engine, it was extremely peaceful. The parachute means that the journey is very smooth. We went up about an hour after dawn when the sky was perfectly clear and the light was hitting all the red rocks with clarity. From the desert, we flew to the red rocks and buttes, circled around them, dipping up and down in the thermals. I have a bit of an appreciation for what it's like to be a bird. Alas, no flying dreams last night.

The latter part of the morning was spent walking the labrinyth in Sedona. The first picture is of the labyrinth, the second a link to the location. It was the first time I had ever walked a labyrinth. I found the dichotomy between making each step consciously, feeling my feet connect with the ground, with the body memory of being in the air a really interesting contrast.

Thirty four. Today is the 34th year that I have awoken and again, it is sunny on this day. What a gift! I have emails from around the globe and count myself blessed indeed by my friendships. But boy, the sun. That's the best gift for a girl from rainy, cloudy Vancouver.