Fluency
I have this suspicion that if I could become fluent in a language other than English, I would be able to become a fluent musician as well. I yearn to be able to do something well; to be good at something. To have something within my repertoire where people would say "Lisa is an amazing _____". I can't think of any one thing that I excel at; not one thing that I'm truly skilled at.
I'm stumbling and grumbling this morning. I'm having a tough time being human, being broken, being a work in progress. I'm buying the line that if I was only good at _____, then I'd be a whole human being, someone worth knowing, someone worth being around. It's a tough place to be when you're not sure you want to be around yourself. And damn it, there is no where else to go. Does anyone else want to be their shadow, with the freedom to walk a different path from the shadow caster?
Anyone have any ideas about internal reference points when you are a Christian? Psychologically speaking, healthy people are internally referenced; that is, they find their worth and meaning from inside themselves, not from external source points such as friends, family, accomplishments or the media. The opposite of being internally referenced is, obviously, being externally referenced. Does Christianity tell us that we are externally referenced? That because we are fearfully and wonderfully made and known full well that we are good? If God tells me that I'm valuable, is that an external reference point? What about me? How can I believe that I'm valuable? Just me. Just my opinion about myself. Boy, that's my $64,000 question.
I think maybe my yearning to be fluent, to be skilled, is a big huge mirror pointing to the fact that my real yearning is to believe that I'm valuable. Not because anyone else thinks I'm valuable, but because I believe that about myself. I'm not sure where Jesus/God fit into this. Any suggestions?
I'm stumbling and grumbling this morning. I'm having a tough time being human, being broken, being a work in progress. I'm buying the line that if I was only good at _____, then I'd be a whole human being, someone worth knowing, someone worth being around. It's a tough place to be when you're not sure you want to be around yourself. And damn it, there is no where else to go. Does anyone else want to be their shadow, with the freedom to walk a different path from the shadow caster?
Anyone have any ideas about internal reference points when you are a Christian? Psychologically speaking, healthy people are internally referenced; that is, they find their worth and meaning from inside themselves, not from external source points such as friends, family, accomplishments or the media. The opposite of being internally referenced is, obviously, being externally referenced. Does Christianity tell us that we are externally referenced? That because we are fearfully and wonderfully made and known full well that we are good? If God tells me that I'm valuable, is that an external reference point? What about me? How can I believe that I'm valuable? Just me. Just my opinion about myself. Boy, that's my $64,000 question.
I think maybe my yearning to be fluent, to be skilled, is a big huge mirror pointing to the fact that my real yearning is to believe that I'm valuable. Not because anyone else thinks I'm valuable, but because I believe that about myself. I'm not sure where Jesus/God fit into this. Any suggestions?
posted by Lisa at 1:45 p.m.
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